Kids, I don’t know why I’m writing this. Hell, I’m not even sure what this is going to look like when I’m done. I just know that I can’t not write it. I cried more in the last 2 weeks than I did in the past 20 years. There’s a knock on the door and I’m opening.
Me and my girlfriend have recently decided to break up. And for a while leading up to that breakup we were watching How I Met Your Mother, a show that she adores. I’ve seen it before, when I was younger, but forgot most of it and it was as good a time as any to revisit it. Sadly, we didn’t manage to finish it together. But I did. A few moments ago. And for some reason, it pulled me through.
You see, we had an ongoing discussion about HIMYM vs. Friends – probably nothing you haven’t heard of if you’ve seen at least one of those shows. And I couldn’t properly judge which is better until I’ve properly seen both. And now that I can make that judgement, I won’t.
There is a lot of division in the world these days and people often try to find straight answers and #thetruth while most of what we really need is connection. I’m tired of that, so instead I’m going to list all the things that both shows taught me. Both shows carry valuable lessons that we can learn from and both were very memorable in their own ways.
I hope it goes without saying that it is entirely possible that you will run into some spoilers, so here’s your heads-up.
We all make bad choices we have to live with
I wouldn’t believe you were a person if you haven’t made a bad choice in your life. We all do, it’s how we learn. Pain is a very strict teacher. A simple example would be Ted telling Robin he was in love with her on their first date. Another would be pretty much most of what he did up until he met Stacy (I’m sure you know I’m kidding but you also get what I mean). An even more obvious example is Ross spending the night with the “girl from the xerox place” and instantly regretting it. We don’t really have to judge whether that move was understandable, or whether they were #reallyonabreak, but we can pretty much all agree it was stupid. In this case, things eventually worked out for them anyway, much to many viewers’ discontent, but I digress. The main point is that we’ve all done some stupid shit in our lives that we’ll have to live with. Some can be fixed, some less so, but even if we can’t make amends with the people we’ve hurt on our way, we can always do so with ourselves. You know, embrace the darkness, invite it into your life. It shapes us whether we like it or not. The only difference is that if we accept it, we can be the ones to do the shaping.
People can change, but they don’t often do
You probably know a few people who’ve made some notable changes in their lives. For some, the change was figuratively live or die, for some it was a rational way to move forward in life, for some it was purely incidental. But people can definitely change. It’s just a matter of the right motivation. Also, that’s just the first step. Change means nothing if you can’t make it stick.
Barney’s transformation is probably the most compelling thing for me about the whole series. And the best thing about it is that it was stretched out almost through the whole series and you really got to see it happen. And it stuck. He was a very despicable character in the beginning, but having understood why over the course of the show, I couldn’t help but at least partly understand. Alas, I’ve met people who have similarly buried their emotions so deep that they felt completely hollow. And while Barney’s story might be a little overinflated, it’s not all that unbelievable. That’s why it’s even more heart-wrenching to see him reconnect with himself later on. Committing to honesty. Pulling through.
Similar to this, Rachel’s (as much as I really dislike her character) story shows an incredible transformation. Starting as a spoiled, selfish and completely useless brat, she transformed into a self-sufficient, independent and successful woman. On that same note, Chandler changed from a sarcastic, snarky, mistrusting young man into an equally sarcastic, albeit committed and reliable partner.
I can also attest from my own experience that people can change, it’s just not easy. So not everyone makes it. But it’s definitely worth trying, you just need to have a good why.
We all have baggage
There’s an entire episode on HIMYM about this, complete with visual aids. And boy is it a good one. It hits the nail right on the head. And the funny thing is, it is rather unbelievably easy for us people to forget this quite often. We get balled up into our own knot of problems, preoccupied, one could say and forget everyone else is carrying their own weight, too. I mean, some people have more, some less, but I’m sure none of us travel too light.
I remember seeing this quote online many times – it goes something like “Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” I used to forget that all the time and for some reason, it kept reappearing as if to remind me. There’s one more from Dan Millman’s Peaceful Warrior that I actually heard much sooner than the first one – “The people that are the hardest to love, usually need it the most.” It’s not a hard one to understand, but boy is it a hard one to bring into practice.
I guess my point here is – we should never forget everyone has their battle to fight and that fight is never with anyone else. We are all looking for connection, not conflict. And I believe that’s how we can really make this world a better place, and that leaves us with the final quote, compliments of Gandalf. Something about “keeping evil at bay”. But I won’t divulge all of it, so that you can do your own research. I’m not worried, you’re smart, you’ll find it yourself.
There is no “the one”, and that’s okay
Now this could get messy and I’m sure there will be plenty of people to disagree with me on this. But I don’t believe in destiny, nor do I believe in “the one”. I do, however, believe in there being a right time for everything. And sometimes things just don’t seem to align. Maybe we’re not ready, maybe someone else is not ready. Maybe the timing is a complete crapper.
Robin didn’t meet Ted at the right time. Some (and by that I mean me, mostly) would say there was never a right time for those two, ever, but that’s beside the point. Lily met Marshall at the right time, they were both ready for each other. Rachel didn’t meet Ross at the right time – they just kind of forced the issue – that is if someone can force something over a period of 10 years.
I like the idea of becoming a better person for the sake of true happiness rather than just be good enough for someone else. I think it’s better to concentrate on becoming a person we are truly happy with, a person we’d be glad our daughter is dating. So that when we meet whomever we’d be happy to lay down our life for – they won’t have a choice but to notice us.
Besides, for what it’s worth, I could just be rambling raw bull and you have no legal or moral obligation to believe me.
Friends mean the world
This has to be one of the strongest points of both shows and one I doubt anyone would fail to notice. Which makes it even more important to mention.
Remember Rachel, when she first appeared on set, summoned by a sad wish from Ross and immediately followed by a sarcastic one from Chandler? She wasn’t in a good place and she wasn’t heading in a sunny direction either. Over the seasons, she grew immensely, but only because she had the undying support of her new friends. Friends that forced her to cut up her daddy’s credit cards, to get a job, one particular friend to get hit on by her Italian boyfriend to force Rachel to get rid of the annoying #crapweasel. I don’t mean to take away that hard work she did to make that transformation, I just think it would’ve been much harder to do without the support.
Exhibit B – Marshall and his breakup with Lily. And the death of his father. I can imagine the first, I can’t even begin to imagine the second. But I felt it and his friends seemed to have helped him a great deal.
If you’re looking for another easy one, just think of Joey and Chandler’s friendship, all the ways they supported each other over the years. That’s irreplaceable.
There’s a crapload of examples in both series and this is not a race to name all of them. I just really wanted to write this down in #hugeblackletters! Friends are an immense asset, which I hope everyone reading this can attest to. In the past 2 weeks I received a lot of support from my own circle. And despite that, I have visited some very dark places recently. I dread to imagine what that would’ve been like without them.
Value your friends. Always. You might think about people you’ve lost connection with, wishing they’d reach out and reconnect. Maybe some of them wish the same. So maybe you can be the one to open those doors. Or walk through new ones. The value is immeasurable.
Everything will be ok
This one is not about happy endings. Although series tend to gravitate towards them to leave the viewer with at least some closure, which sometimes can lead to character choices that purely serve the plot, I’m not necessarily talking about the major endings.
All of the characters in both series went through some very hard times and a lot of us lived through those hardship with them. Can’t help but mention Marshall’s loss of his father, Monica’s breakup with Richard or when Joey loses his job on #DOOL. There’s plenty more to list, but the important thing is, everyone involved always pulled through. That doesn’t mean everything was suddenly great, but they all survived. They made it through. Pain is inevitable, but it is not unlike everything else in this world. It will pass. If you’re going through something hard, as I am right now – hold tight, it will get better.
Our parents mess us up in ridiculous ways
#OH..MY..GOD this is a big one. I don’t even know where to start. Lily’s neglectful father (that did also change for the better), Barney’s absent father, Robin’s insanely heartless father? Monica’s stingy mother, who along with her husband totally deified Ross? Phoebe’s mother that killed herself (or so Pheobe thought) and her dad who bailed? And lastly, Chandler’s parents – oh my poor Chandler. Which is best described by Ross’ emphathetic remark upon learning Chandler’s middle name was Muriel – “Your parents never even gave you a chance did they?”.
Almost every character has a strong family back-story that visibly shapes them in one form or the other – many of them being a very strong influence almost to the point of statistical unbelievability. I mean, is anyone just normal these days?
Is it all different in our own lives, though? So many people come from divorced, broken or extremely toxic families that were sure to leave a mark on their psyches. And that’s just talking about the obvious ones. Very often even well-meaning, good-hearted parents leave their mark.
We all build our #defensemechanisms to deal with those scars, some of us have more than others, but it makes up for a lot of the aforementioned baggage. Which inevitably brings us to the fact that none of us are really unaffected. And that’s one more reason to try to be kind. And the more there is to thank our parents for, the more we should remember to let them know. One day, they might no longer be around to hear it. After all, I’m sure all of them did the best they could.
People do the best they can
Sometimes this is hard to believe – with all the nasty shit people do to each other. I’m not going to go on a tangent talking about the fact that when people do nasty things, it means they are in pain. The truth is, when someone hurts us, we don’t think about their pain, we think about ours and I can completely understand that. Which is the only word I’d like to underline here. This world needs more understanding. It’s not easy – if it was, there would be much more of it.
Love is the best thing we do
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, I can’t shake it, I can’t shake this feeling that nothing about me and Barney makes any sense!
Ted Mosby: But love doesn’t make sense! I mean, you can’t logic your way in or out of it. Love is totally non-sensical. But we have to keep doing it, or else we’re lost, and love is dead, and humanity just packed in. Because love is the best thing we do. Look, I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s just true. You love Barney, and he loves you. And that doesn’t have to make sense… to make sense.
Ted had a lot of speeches about love during the whole series. Given some of the crazy stuff he’s done, some of them come off little comical. But this one has a lot of good in it. He was talking to Robin on the beach, when she was doubting her commitment, wondering whether she should’ve chosen Ted insTed #low-five (I’m not really ready for high-fives yet). I might not agree with “love not making sense”, because I’m not on board with the whole love being non-sensical, that it’s just something you feel and therefore have no control over it. I imagine love more as a committed, dedicated, unwavering continuous action – or in Millman’s words – something you DO. But I am absolutely on board with love being the best thing we humans do. Besides, who am I to tell you what love is – you go and define it yourself!
Love is a wonderful thing and the world desperately needs more of it, it’s just not the only thing that matters. You see, you can’t really love people into being happy. No matter how hard you try. It’s not the only ingredient in the recipe just like you can’t make a soup with just onions. At the same time, as your grandma surely told you, there’s no good soup without onions.
Lying fucks things up
There’s probably not a single one of you who hasn’t learned in more or less painful ways that this is true. Not only are lies really bad pets, but they grow quickly and have lots of children. I am fully aware that if there were no lies in both series, they would all have about 2 seasons and not 9 (and 10) – a lot of them were there to serve the plot or to make way for a good joke or character development and that’s fine. Still, I have seen a lot of similar ones in real life, as I’m sure you all have. And watching some of them unravel made me cringe.
I made a simple commitment with myself about 10 years ago – to always be honest. I might stick in a white lie here and there, but I never regretted that decision. It will sometimes get you into conflicts and some people might not enjoy your company, but I can assure you there’s lots of those that will. And these shows always make me remember why I never want to back down from that promise to myself. Because that’s the kind of man I want to be.
What’s next?
I don’t know where to really go from here. HIMYM was a slightly masochistic way of staying connected to someone I really cared about when she left. Now that I’m finished, I feel almost a little more empty than before. But it’s also the lessons from these shows that get me up in the morning. Staying honest. Embracing what is. Inviting the darkness in for tea. Letting people help. And believing – that things will turn out just fine – whatever that means. After all, we make our own happiness.
Take care.